what to grow

"How are things?"

"Good! We're good, tired but good."

"And how's Mazzy doing with a new baby in the house?"

"Oh, fine. She's taken to Jeff now and she's very good with the baby. Very gentle."

"But how are you holding up?"

"Oh, good. Tired, but good."

These are the questions I get from nearly everyone these days. And those are my standard responses.

Why does everyone ask almost the same questions? Because everyone with any kind of child care experience at all knows that caring for such a young toddler and a newborn together is hard. Really hard. And those with just a little more experience can intuit a lot. They know that Mazzy doesn't understand why a new baby suddenly has to come first every time. They know that poor Sydney is usually getting her needs met last. They know that I feel guilt when I have to choose one's needs over the other, and they know that there are many moments when all of them have needs, demands, desires and they're all breaking down at the same time, and the cacophony of children's cries and whines makes me want to lock myself in the bathroom. They know that sometimes I do.

Why do I give the same standard responses? Because I'm far from the first mom to have closely spaced children, and because there are ups and downs to every day, and because we muddle through, one day at a time, just like everyone else, and because it's all temporary. Quite temporary.

Its temporary nature is in fact what's weighing most on me lately.

This time, I was lucky to have an easy birth that allowed me to bounce back quickly. As is my nature, I could hardly wait to do all the things I couldn't do when pregnant. I had significant back pain in my third trimester this pregnancy, impairing my physical capabilities since around March of this year. So much of the garden work I'd been planning to do had to be crossed off my list. When Livvy was born easily and my recovery happened quickly, I jumped headlong into the garden work.

I got quite a bit accomplished. Here's a picture of the back garden (my pet project). Take a good look because it's not going to look any better than this from here on out this season.

I miss my Mazzy. I remember missing Sydney like this when Mazzy was born. Now that Livvy is here, I miss Mazzy. I think it must be my natural reaction to losing the next "baby" up. But sadly, I actually miss Livvy this time too. She's here all the time, as are Mazzy & Sydney, but I find myself trying to put her down or hand her off or push her to be okay by herself more than I ever did the other two.

And when I do get her off me long enough to accomplish something, what am I doing? Reading to Sydney? Playing with Mazzy? Crafting with Sydney or dancing with Mazzy? Taking videos of the fun things the kids are doing that they won't be doing next week and will thus be lost from our memories? Nope, nope, nope & nope. I'm tending the garden. Weeding, mulching, row covers, mixing up an organic fertilizer.

When I'm nursing this lovely, cuddly little newborn, am I soaking it in, knowing we would like this to be our last baby? Nope again. I'm at the keyboard one-handed, Googling potash and grasshoppers and black plastic.

I'm tired of being frustrated and torn. I feel like I've been frustrated and torn all Spring and Summer this year, and I want to scream at myself: "Enough!"

There's really nothing to be frustrated and torn about. The lay of the land is pretty darn clear here if you take the bird's eye look for a minute.

The garden will come back next year. The garden and I will start anew and its only recollection of this year will be that the soil improvements we did have made it stronger, healthier, & more productive.

The children will grow a full year between now and then, and we'll never get that time back. Sydney is forming memories that will last a lifetime now. Mazzy and Livvy are having their personalities formed and their security in this world shaped at an unbelievable rate. We won't start anew next year. We'll start smack dab in the middle of our developing relationships.

I want that to be a good place. I want those memories. I want pictures and videos and crafts and bonding and lots of nursing, rocking, soothing baby love. Like I said, we'd really like Livvy to be our last baby. I want to bask in her newborn days.

Our friends at WindDance are easily carrying the CSA, just as we intended for this year. Our animals are largely self sufficient right now. And our local farmer's market has lots of wonderful vendors who sell any kind of veggies we might be looking for and whose families I'd be proud to support.

So enjoy the garden pictures here before the weeds and insects take hold, because I'm unashamedly pushing the garden work to the back burner for the rest of the summer to enjoy my three little girls.

Unidentified Random Squash

The Buckwheat Field (this winter's chicken & guinea feed)

The Sunflower Row

Front Garden Tomatoes

my quick apologies to those of my readers who get my blog notifications through RSS feed or email. i hated to flood your readers with four testing posts. if there's a way to test your blog live without triggering your notifications, i'd love to hear it!